This one will catch you up. And then we'll have some more fun with my trips down memory lane into the depths of the dating medium that is New York City. Also we'll hit some new ideas, new boys, new fun.
I've been in a weird dating space with little to write about in my mind. This happens to even the best daters, and as The Ame-ster pointed out to me, sometimes the real stuff is ok for my readers too. So here goes an unexpected lesson learned to share with you, gentle readers.
The Goth Gamer threw me for a loop.
We were having a great time. I felt comfortable in a way I hadn't before with the male persuasion of the straight variety. There was attraction, yes, but there was laughter. There was relaxation. There was no pressure. Looking back this is exactly the makings of a wonderful friendship.
The part that threw me was the attraction-plus-straight equation. I've often said that I don't believe guys and girls can be friends if they are straight and single. I mean, if you're single, you like each other enough to be friends, and there's a physical attraction? Why would you NOT go for the gold?! Not only have I been called out on this by friends (including straight, single male friends), but I've recently been punched in the face with this reality.
When The Goth Gamer called me after not seeing each other for a few days to tell me that we needed to alter our relationship because he had found himself with a girlfriend, I was a bit stunned. I wasn't hurt, though my pride took a smack. I wasn't sad, though I was confused about what should happen next. And when I found out that his girlfriend was a girl who can't keep a job, spends days on end not leaving her apartment or speaking to anyone, and has zero friends, I was even more perplexed. C'mon, Gamer, I may not be a supermodel, but I can at least maintain a witty conversation!
Then he said it. "She needs me. You don't and never will."
And he was right. Not because I'm incapable of relying on someone, I'm just incapable of "needing" him. We're friends. Yes, I find him sexy. Yes, I laugh a lot with him. Yes, he likes my friends maybe more than he likes me. Bottom line is that I don't have any need to have anything more. I don't want to share my childhood stories, my work woes, or even my dreams.... and I don't see myself ever wanting that with The Goth Gamer.
Seeing Mr. Gamer last night for the first time in almost 3 months was in and of itself a bit of a nail-biter. But as soon as he first hugged me, I knew we'd be just fine. I missed the smell on his jacket, but I found myself thinking I wished we were watching "Chopped" on Food Network as opposed to making out on his couch. If that doesn't scream "FRIEND," I'm not quite sure what does. We were there for something artsy in the back room of the place so I didn't see him again until the evening was over.
I had dragged The Irrational Attorney along with me because she's ALWAYS up for a good time, even be it an awkwardly good time. Like me, she appreciates the story that comes from every experience. She's the one who noticed Gamer's Girlfriend slip into the barstool next to her man. It was dim, and my back was to her so I decided to wait and let Gamer introduce us if the timing was right when the evening's art concluded.
The Irrational and I grabbed our jackets and sauntered back to Mr. Goth's section. He held out open arms for me to step into. The Girlfriend? Yeah, she ran away.
RAN. AWAY.
Well, maybe not ran, but definitely scurried away. The last place on earth she wanted to be was standing next to me hugging her fella. To be honest, I was shocked she came out at all. He yelled her named. He yelled her name a second time. He cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted over the somewhat small crowd a third time. She turned and, realizing she really had no out, came back to face her panic inducer.
He introduced us, and I held an outstretched hand for her to shake. In her own Goth-like attire complete with hair almost covering her face... picture this but darker:
Ok, not really that bad. But not TOO far from the truth. She took a deep, shaky breath and squeezed the circulation out of my fingertips. I, being a true Scarlett O'Hara at heart, told her it was nice to meet her before she scurried off to stand behind the man that she needs.
In that moment, it was as if true clarity showed itself. She does need him. He does need her to need him. I don't want him. She's got him even if I did. And I felt a sadness. Sadness for her that the clear panic of being in public like this is not worthy of making fun of, but worthy of pitying. Sadness that the pain in her face was so palpable even the hairstyle above couldn't completely hide it. Sadness for Gamer that he needs to be needed so desperately.
Sadness for me that I've never felt that kind of dependency on another human. I'm not sure I want to. But it's definitely an emotion, a feeling, a need I've never felt. And then I had a stirring of hopefulness. Despite my list of positives that I slowly share with guys I date, despite my own issues of panic and fear that I am sure to hide with these same men, what Gamer needed, he found in her -- even as she stood panicky beside him.
Here I am. Ready to just be again. Ready to head into winter - as of tomorrow it officially feels like winter in the NYC - with some abandon. Wish this Almost Girlfriend luck...
